Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
