cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
