I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
