I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
