Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
