Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
