You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
