I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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