Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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