tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
