I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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