My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
