my phone needs a breathalizer
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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