Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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