I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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