There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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