My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
