Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
