I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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