it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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