Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
