I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
