You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
