the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
