Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
