Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
