If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
