I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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