go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
