I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
