we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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