Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
