There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am naked and annoyed.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
