i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
