Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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