life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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