she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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