Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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