The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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