You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
