I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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