I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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