Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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