We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
