He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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