Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize