made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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