It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
