Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
