don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
