So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
