somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
