No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
