i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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