don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
