oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
