genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize