I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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