I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
