apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just pee around me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
