im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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