I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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