Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
