Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
