sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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