Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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