i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
a search helicopter?!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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